Change of Focus

Putting this blog on hold to avoid further misunderstandings of the content.

Sometimes things get lost in translation.

It only makes matters worse when the reader thinks they know what has been said, and passes the info along to someone else, but tells them an incorrect translation.

There was never an intention to criticize ANYONE here, merely to talk about differences between the way things are done in western countries and the way things are done in India and other third world countries.

There will be no more entires here until I can figure out a new focus.

In the meantime, I will continue blogging at Sacred Sojourns about topics related to Tibetan culture/political issues, and at Art on the Edge about my art projects and new products.

Contemplating Integrity

Traveling in India has made me think a lot about how I define "integrity", and about my own moral standards.

To me, integrity means you have a moral code which, while it may occasionally bend under extreme circumstances (poverty, life threat, etc), you uphold whenever able.

It means meaning what you say, saying what you mean, and DOING what you say/mean.

It does NOT mean say anything that suits your needs at any given moment or do whatever suits at the moment.

It does not mean, say one thing, repeatedly do something else.

Now whether this is a cultural thing or not, I don't know, but I have noticed that many people in India, especially (in my experience) those with resources, will say anything they think the listener wants to hear, or to get a desired result...

They will tell you they are appalled at rubbish disposal on the roadside, and an hour later throw an armload of trash out of the car while driving!

They'll promise not to drink while you are around, and that same evening be so drunk they can hardly speak.

(Mixed) Metaphorically speaking, they will promise the moon and stars, and deliver a filthy rock.

Now, I do not mean to say I am perfect.

I mean to say, I try my best, in recent years, to be honest. To tell people exactly what my intentions are, to not try to mislead others for my own benefit.

Maybe so much that it becomes a fault.

I tell the truth in situations where it can bite me in the ass, so to speak.

But better to get yourself in trouble and pay your own consequences than lie and harm many others in the attempt to save your own butt, IMO.

When you get yourself in trouble, you are only responsible for getting yourself out.

But when your lies and conniving become harmful to others, whether intentionally or not, you become responsible for them, as well.

In most cases that person (the liar) will not TAKE the responsibility or do anything to help the others they have harmed, unfortunately.

I simply cannot allow myself to be involved with people who obviously have no care for integrity.

Whose moral standards shift like reeeds in the breeze.

What also never ceases to amaze me is that many of these morally challenged individuals are self-processed devoutees of major religions. They call themselves "good Christians" or Hindus or whatever.

They seem to believe it is okay to live a wrong life and that simply praying for forgiveness and salvation after the fact,even though they KNOW what they are doing is wrong, makes their behaviour okay.

Sickening.

I've decided to come back to the States early. (Not to say that this sort of things doesn't happen in the States. I know it does, constantly. But I wasn't exposed to it day in day out like here).

I am not exactly sure when, yet, or where the heck I will stay from that date until my WWOOF in Delaware begins come the first week of April.

I will be thinking and praying today and tonight about what to do. I know there are 2 more locations I "must" see before leaving India.

I need to examine availability of foreign tourist quota seats on certain trains before I go crazy and cancel my current reservations.

Please pray for me in whatever way you pray, that I make the RIGHT choice.

Thank you.

And try to be honest and morally upright today! lol

Clearing Clutter, Old Stuff, and Cleansing

I have been back in central Florida since Wednesday night (14 Oct.).

Thursday was spent running errands on the Gulf Coast punctuated by an hour at the beach, where, blissfully, I had a chance to swim for a short while. So healing.

Friday I got a trip to a bookstore cafe where I practically inhaled my old fave design, decor and creative magazines.

At the house, I have been surrounded by kittehs and basking in their love. Did some backyard gardening clean up, any therapy for me.

And I have begun the process of sorting through all stored STUFF with the intent of repacking it more neatly as well as discarding A LOT of it.

I have bagged several pieces of clothing which don't fit, for donation. I have discarded old paper odds and ends I have the bad habit of collecting and never looking at again.

And now I am into some old decor from previous residences...inc my summer of 2005 beach apartment collection of seashells, seaglass and other coastal decor items.

I know releasing old unused things is good for the soul, cleansing, healing.

But it is also tedious and sometimes depressing.

I have to keep reminding myself that things are just things, that I do not need or have room for all these things, and that when I eventually DO have room, that all things can be replaced with new and better things.

This is a tough time for me. It's hard to explain to anyone who has never been in my situation.

I have not had a stable home since my granny died and I got involved in an abusive relationship shortly after.

The relationship ended with me in a temporary shelter...but it has been virtually impossible to find stable work or a long term home since leaving the shelter.

I have taken unsuitable jobs all over the country, trading my personal needs and wants for a roof over my head.

I have worked numerous jobs over the past five years which provided housing, usually a dorm room, and at least partial board.

I have lived in dorm rooms and mini studios with alcoholic roommates and been attacked by other roommates.

I have been discriminated against, lied to, and mistreated by co-workers and management because I never fit in, never should have taken those jobs.

I did not see any alternatives, at the time.

And now? Having vowed never to work in such a place/position ever again, I find myself on the verge of a 5 month sojourn across a virtual unknown...India...with barely enough money to squeak by.

And after India? If I survive...

In 2010 I head back to the general area (within a 2 hr drive of) where I was born and raised, volunteering on a WWOOF farm.

Another room and board position, only this time actually doing something I enjoy (gardening, crafts, related tasks).

And when October 2010 rolls around?

Where will I go then? Will I stay in that general area or take whatever online earnings I've saved over the season and try yet again to start somewhere new?

Being 41 and a drifter sure is not easy nor what I wanted...

Sooner or later, I have to find my place, my people, the right job.

Sooner or later, I will be at rest...physically, mentally, emotionally.

I wish someday would show up on the horizon, though, because I am tired, and tired of being tired.

I want to rest. I want my life back.

The Journey Continues

As discussed in my previous entry, I am in a process of leaving a way of life I have followed for several years and clearing the way for something NEW.

The trouble is the transitioning.

There is still a lot of muck to trudge through between "here" and "there".

The job in Colorado ended roughly 10 days ago. I have been waiting in limbo in my dorm room at company housing for the day of my return to central FL to arrive.

Blissfully, tomorrow morning I will be en route to the airport by 8am and I cannot wait.

Everything is packed...more or less.

Most of the cleaning is done.

I have sorted through and thrown away dozens of items/pieces of clothing I no longer use or wear. Some was harder to get rid of than others...but I just grit my teeth and kept throwing things away. Honestly, I probably should get rid of even more. My luggage is going to be borderline overweight...again.

Tomorrow night I will be in a big bed surrounded by CATS!

Thursday we are going to a Gulf Coast BEACH!

Friday I am going to a bookstore whether I go alone by bus or with a roommate. I am so starved for bookstore cafe magazine time!

Then Saturday will start the process of purging stored items I just cannot take with me...after India.

India looms, now. Exactly two weeks from today I will board the plane for Mumbai. (see Sacred Sojourns for my itinerary in India)

Money is much tighter than planned and I am scared.

Tearful "mini"panic attacks hit me at odd moments.

I am terrified of running out of cash and being penniless in a foreign country with nowhere to turn for help.

I am afraid of being too scatter-brained to get the necessary things accomplished before departure...I have tried making lists but am not organized enough right now to know if I am forgetting anything or even where some of my details are!

I am also afraid of getting sick from contaminated food or water. I have no anti-malarial meds and no immunizations (they are "recommended" but not required, and I did/DO not have the money for optionals).

All I can think about is what I want for AFTER India...

Plans are still nebulous but barring unexpected events, I will be back in the northeast in early April working on a WWOOF farm about 2 hrs drive (if that) from where I grew up.

My goal is to get settled in an area and start focusing more on succeeding with my arts/crafts goals.

The greater Philadelphia area (inc Wilmington and Newark, DE) will have to suffice.

Yes, I still long for broader horizons, but until I am able to afford it, meaning...have a home to travel out from/back to, that will have to wait.

My heart still yearns and I still dream...I think about seeing Chengdu and Xian and southwestern China's ancient Silk Road towns, about exploring Angkor Wat, about breezing through Morocco. Part of me still wants to make Dublin my home and part of me longs for Edinburgh. And random thoughts to live in Germany or Austria or France pass through my mind...

I do not understand it and I do not know if I will ever be satisfied.

I long for a home, I dream of a home, but I have no idea where or how.

It's frustrating to feel so sad and confused.

Maybe once I am in metro Philly the feeling will go away. Maybe I will be so thankful for a return to a landscape, climate, and way of speaking/doing that is "familiar" that I will no longer long for far horizons.

Maybe proximity to an urban environment...Philly, Baltimore, DC, NYC...will fulfill most of my longings.

Maybe I will be content to grow a garden, have tea and sit in bookstore cafes...

Maybe...

Aligning Inner Life with Work Life

I have been thinking more and more, in the past month, about how who I am and what I want and believe is not at all reflected in the work I do. I have comprised almost everything in order to have a safety net, a roof over my head, food, and income.
But over and over I find myself hating this life and berating myself over the brutal facts...this life is killing me even while it pays the bills (so to speak).
I cannot work in the seasonal hospitality/tourism field ever again after this season. Some people are cut out for it...I am not.

Which leaves me, teary eyed, contemplating how on earth I am going to afford a place to live after next April (2010), after my trip to India. I have applied to live & work at a Buddhist retreat in California and am hoping it is destined and aligned with my goals, path.
If not, que sera sera, and I will have to figure out something else.
I was on foodstamps while living in Arizona and while not proud, it did help me survive. I can do it again if I absolutely have to.
But I don't want to and it is not my intention.

My INTENTION is to somehow turn my passion for travel, photography, art and design, and writing, into a full time income without sacrificing my sanity in order to do it!
Right now I am making a whopping $10/month off two Squidoo accounts (don't ask how that's all I'm making with over 65 lenses, most ranked well above 50000)...and earn another $55 or so every 2-3 months split between 5 Zazzle galleries. My etsy jewelry shop brings in the occasional sale of between $20-70 but not on a regular basis.
So, clearly I am either doing something terribly wrong or have extraordinary bad luck!

I am trying to focus on my photography more and have been adding to and promoting my 2 online photo galleries at Western Skies and CrypticFragments. Just today I re-opened my Greeting Card Universe shop . I also have plans to sell my photography as notecards, postcards and other gifts in a new etsy shop (no listings as yet).

Will all this be enough? I imagine I will still have to rely on at least part-time work in either a shop or other field to stay off welfare.
So...what jobs will not destroy me as they support me? As an HSP, it is recommended not to work over 30 hrs/wk, preferably 25.
I wouldn't mind doing part-time childcare, grocery or retail (arts/crafts/gift) cashier, or retail warehouse. But to THRIVE, I prefer to be involved in gardening (I'm a great gardener, love getting dirty, and time flies when I'm in the garden) or something creative.
I'd love to give weekly creative or gardening workshops, but to do that I'll need a stable home and a place to hold the groups, for starters.
I enjoy doing housework and would be ok with being a live-in housekeeper in exchange for room and full board (have done that before)...or a full time housesitter.

As for location, I am open, although more and more these days I miss being close to the sea, or some other large body of water (lake, river). I need to refresh my soul, recharge, by being in nature. At the very least a large park or garden would suffice.
I am not bound to the US although legally and financially it's more practical for me to stay here for the time-being.

My greatest hurdle in finding permanent work is the fact that I have been traveling and doing seasonal jobs since 2005. In my experience, employers see that you have moved and changed jobs often and rule you out before they know why or understand that you really WANT to find stable work.
If anyone has ideas how to use travels/seasonal work as an ADVANTAGE rather than a hurdle in the real world, please please clue me in!

So...if you have suggestions, advice, ideas, links, or are simply pondering the same things in your life...please share by commenting! I welcome and read all relevant comments.

Not Really "Home"sick

I'm sure I've mentioned this topic before...possibly more than once. I've been feeling a bit melancholy this evening after chatting w/someone from my original home region (about 25 miles from my actual hometown of York,PA...where I haven't lived since 2004 & that for only 4 yrs after leaving in 1992 & 1997)...

Anyway, we mentioned The York Fair (the GREAT York Interstate Fair) and suddenly I found myself "homesick"...for scenes, familiar rituals and ways of being and landscapes which are part of my deepest self.

At times I think of moving back, but I don't think I really mean this. I never belonged there when I WAS there & do not think I could ever really fit in. (As if I'll ever really fit in ANYWHERE)...

Odd, isn't it, how one hour I am fantasizing about moving to India or Nepal & traveling to Cambodia to explore Angkor Wat, and the next I am longing for funnel cakes, corn fields, and stuff I never even did like high school football games or just strolling streets I once knew.

I think about moving to someplace "near" where I grew up...like Lancaster or Harrisburg or Philadelphia...places where things will still be familiar but not hold the negative memories or evil temptations associated w/my old stomping grounds (some of which I know still exist).

No, I can never go back there, as they say.

It may be where I grew up, but it is NOT my home. I don't really have a home...or if anything, central Florida where I fled to in the early 90s is more home than York was...but even the parts of that I knew so well no longer exist or have changed beyond recognition.

Whatever I am longing for is not a place but a sense of comfort, familiarity, belonging...

Sorry, just thinking out loud (AGAIN).

The weather has turned colder with highs in the mid-upper 60s again, scattered rain on & off most of the day, even some snow showers in the higher elevations (above 10000 ft)...

Soon the peaks will be dusted white, the aspens will begin to yellow, and the days grow steadily shorter.

There are only 8 wks left in the season at Trail Ridge IF we stay open til mid-October (dependent on weather ie ice/snow conditions up top).

I am eager to get it over with!

It has been a long, tiring, stressful season and my soul is ready for rest.

Plans for India Progressing

Since my last post, I have been researching places to visit and possible programs with which to volunteer in India.
Yesterday I filled out the online visa application and got together my supporting documents. Today I need to get downtown to find a FedEx office from which to ship the package...after that it is a matter of waiting, hopefully no more than 2 weeks, til the approval comes.
Then the next step will be making my booking!
WOW

Another new development is that I DID in fact get a msg from my college friend in Mumbai, inviting me to stay at his home while in that town, and offering to assist with my further travel plans. So I will probably acclimate in Mumbai for a week or 10 days, not to outstay my welcome, and hopefully will get to see the Elephanta Caves as well as British Raj sites to further understand the "recent" history of the area.
After that I will move on to the Delhi/Golden Triangle area.
I am researching a volunteer program in Jaipur which lasts 4 weeks.
Many of my other planned stops are also in Rajasthan...Jaisalmer, Jodhpur, possibly Udaipur. Then on to Varanasi before heading up to Himachal Pradesh state (esp Dharamsala to be near the Dalai Lama).

I want to have plans but also be flexible.